I read something a couple weeks ago (can't remember where) that linked to this article, which I clicked open and said “weaning and depression? YES, I NEED TO READ THIS ASAP.” I was probably at work, though, didn’t get to it by the end of the day and told myself I’d remember to go back tomorrow, then didn’t. Anyway, I remembered it today, did some Googling, and finally read it. Within the article was the link to another post:
“I felt guilty because I had a wonderful baby, a loving husband, and a great life on paper, yet I was inexplicably falling apart. Although I had loved taking care of Toby since he was born eight months before, it suddenly seemed exhausting to look after a child. I dreaded hearing his cries in the morning and having to get out of bed and face the day. I felt utterly overwhelmed and exhausted… Even the smallest…decisions seemed like insurmountable obstacles, and I was quickly moved to tears.”
This is exactly what I feel/felt like. The whole thing. Read it all (I mean, if you want).
Also, within that post was the link to an oldie from Swistle, which I’ve read several times, but not since I started weaning Paul.
"I don't know what's the matter with me; it's like I've lost my mind. I'm on the edge of fury all the time; I spent all yesterday and all morning so far today losing it over every little thing. EVERYTHING drives me crazy in about 2 seconds. It seems way out of hand."
YES, YES, EXACTLY. Are you IN MY HOUSE?
I think I remember that reading that Swistle post for the first time was what opened my eyes and made me realize why I went insane when weaning Meg. That’s why I was “prepared” this time. I was going to be proactive. I was gonna do better.
That didn’t go so well.
Or maybe it did. This time I was fully aware it was BECAUSE of weaning, which is why I was able to get help instead of thinking everything was my fault and my life was ruined. (Eventually. For the first month or so, I really was convinced my life was ruined.) I guess now I know even more for next time (hahahaha. NEXT TIME. Let's not think about that right now, OK?)
I'm glad you're feeling better. I didn't wean (well, I guess I did one week post-birth) but I had a lot of problems after the second one that I didn't have after the first.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how months of sleep deprivation makes me feel. My supply is generally tanking and I'm supplementing more at the same time, but I don't think it's the weaning hormones for me. Pumping and supplementing and stressing and balancing it with work and feeling like a giant breastfeeding failure make me do a huge happy dance when I'm finally done. I wanted to be one of those moms who feels this huge bond from breastfeeding, but I'm just not :(
ReplyDeleteI am glad things are looking up for you - you WILL feel like your normal self again!
Oh weaning is the WORST. The WORST. I don't know why more mothers don't talk about how crazy it is, but yes, I remember reading that post from Swistle and being all, "Thank GOD, I thought I was really plummeting into despair."
ReplyDeleteOh, it's awful isn't it? AWFUL. And I remember thinking it helped SOME to at least be braced for it (with the first two, I thought it was because I REALLY HAD made a terrible mistake and was regretting it), but I found I would think, "Well, SOME of this MIGHT be the weaning. But MOST of it is BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS IN FACT AWFUL."
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