I went to a movie yesterday afternoon, like Thomas commanded me to. It was good, but, as always, the best part was coming home again. It kind of bugs me that I have to miss fun stuff in order to gain appreciation for the fun stuff. When I pulled into the driveway, I could see Meg and Thomas through the window, dancing. When I got inside, they told me they’d gone to the park. It made me sad. I missed fun times at the park, dinner as a family, and a dance party in the (clean!) living room. I was only home for 10 minutes before it was time to get ready for bed:( But as I’d had almost zero “me” time for awhile, would I have appreciated those things if I’d done them instead of going to a movie? I don’t know.
Maybe its because going to the movies didn’t quite turn out to be as awesome as I thought. I went to “The Switch” again, because I loved it so much the first time. It was good, but I guess not a movie you should watch twice in a week. I’d watch it again, but I’ll wait awhile. Its better than “after the first time you’ll never want to see it again,” but not as good as “I could watch it every weekend.” It’s a good once or twice a year, when you’re in the mood for that kind of movie, movie. The biggest problem, though, was what I ate. Turns out eating a large popcorn, half a Lindt dark chocolate bar, and half a large Sprite for dinner is NOT a good idea. It’s an even worse idea to follow it up with some Cold Stone. I came home feeling like I was going to throw up which significantly increased my jealousy at seeing the rest of my family dancing like crazy, feeling good from playing in the fresh air. But I guess you can’t appreciate family life to the fullest unless you get away from it sometimes. I’m glad I did.
P.S. I finally thought of what I want Thomas to get me for my birthday. A massage! I have to get off my butt and schedule it, but maybe next weekend I'll come home from some alone time feeling completely relaxed and healthy instead of feeling like I'm going to be sick. Yay!
P.P.S. I still like going to movies. I just need to eat before I go and skip the concessions. Sending me to the movies when I feel completely overwhelmed is still a good idea! Hint, hint!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Messy, messy house
This morning Meg woke up at 6:30. Thomas was almost out the door to go on his run. He made her a bottle then left. By the time he came back at 8, she had systematically destroyed every room in the house as I followed her around saying “no” a million times and trying to put things away. Thomas got in the shower. I went in the bathroom to put in my contacts. Meg followed me and proceeded to empty every bathroom door. I tried to stop her while stuffing everything back in the drawers. Then she went to unroll the toilet paper. I said no. She didn’t listen. I said no again. Then again, louder. Then I shouted NO at her. And Thomas, from the shower, said “lighten up.” I started crying and didn’t stop for the next hour.
At first I thought I was mad at Thomas for going for a run at 6 a.m. (or a little after) every single Saturday and Sunday. I always have to get up with Meg. I cannot remember the last time I slept in. Which makes me very, very cranky. Also, marathon training means that he runs at least 10 hours a week. I spend those 10 hours at home with Meg. A lot of times, I feel like he’s always abandoning us to go run. After I’d been crying for 20 minutes, though, I realized the “abandonment” wasn’t really the problem. Its that he has a hobby that he gets to spent 10 hours a week doing and he always gets to leave the house to do it.
I don’t have any “outside of the house” hobbies and I don’t want any. “Relaxing” to me means I don’t have to make myself presentable and leave the house. It usually means reading a book. Or doing Sudoku puzzles while watching TV. Or doing stuff on the computer. Preferably, I’d do all those things while wearing pajamas and lounging in bed. I don’t want to go to Panera and work on my computer. I want to stay home! But home is no longer a relaxing place. Even if I’m in the bedroom and Thomas is watching Meg somewhere else, I can hear them. I can hear tantrums. Sometimes he’ll ask me to watch her for 5 minutes while he does something. Which is fine. 5 minutes is no big deal, but it means I never actually get AWAY.
Also, every last inch of this place gets destroyed by an inquisitive 15 month old on a regular basis. To relax, Thomas likes to run outside. Outside is the same as its always been. I like to relax inside a clean house. That doesn’t happen much. Even when I’m home alone (which I LOVE), I often find it hard to relax because the house is such a disaster. This is kind of weird, because I’ve always been a pretty bad housekeeper. I have a high tolerance for messes. But it turns out there is a huge difference between messes of my own making and messes made by someone else. Especially when I cleaned up that exact mess the day before and someone undid my work. I start to feel like the house is a hopeless mess.
Back when we lived in our apartment, before Meg, we would pretty much let things go during the week. Mail would sit, pots and pans wouldn’t get washed, etc. But most Saturdays we’d spend 2-3 hours cleaning and the place would be spotless. I had no trouble sitting amongst the mess on Friday night because I knew all it would take was a little work and everything would be better. I don’t feel that way anymore.
I can (and HAVE – twice in the past month) spend a whole day cleaning the house. All alone. (Meg was at her grandma’s). By the end of the day, things look pretty good. But then Meg and Thomas come home. Thomas makes dinner (don’t I have the best husband?), Meg gets to work dragging all the toys out of her room, and I fight a losing battle to keep the toys in her room. By the end of the night, the kitchen counter is covered with dishes and the floor is covered with toys and Meg’s dinner. A mere three hours after I finished spending a whole day cleaning, the house is once again a disaster.
I hate it when magazines (or people) say “to keep a tidy house, spend 15 minutes picking toys up after the kids go to bed!” Yeah right! Most nights after Meg goes to bed, Thomas and I BOTH spend an HOUR picking up toys, putting away leftover food, washing the dishes/bottles, unpacking the diaper bag/lunch bags, repacking the diaper bag/lunch bags, and on and on. Sometimes the house looks noticeably better. Sometimes it doesn’t even make a dent. And it never gets the house as clean as we want it. If we concentrate on one room (usually the kitchen), we can get that room clean. But there’s no way we’ll get the whole house clean. Plus, even if the house looks clean, every single low cupboard and drawer in the house is a big huge jumble of unorganized things, because (thankfully) Meg often puts everything back in the cupboard/drawer after she empties it. She just doesn’t put it back the way she found it.
Now, as I said, I do have a high tolerance for messiness. So I can live with my messy house for awhile. But eventually the mess gets to me. It becomes too much for me to handle. And since I prefer to relax at home, eventually I’m so bothered by the mess I can’t relax at all.
I honestly don’t know what to do about this. We do try to pick up every night. We do spend a lot of Saturday cleaning the house. We can’t hire a cleaning lady, because there’s STUFF everywhere and I hear cleaning ladies only CLEAN, they don’t pick up and they can’t clean if things aren’t picked up. (Not to mention we can’t afford it.) I try to get rid of stuff, but our biggest problem is the stuff we use all the time being used then not put back. What do I do???
Thomas told me I have to go to a movie this afternoon. And while I’m at the movie, he and Meg will clean. Hopefully that will help a lot. It’ll probably at least get me to the point where I can stand the house for another couple weeks before I fall apart again. After that, who knows?
At first I thought I was mad at Thomas for going for a run at 6 a.m. (or a little after) every single Saturday and Sunday. I always have to get up with Meg. I cannot remember the last time I slept in. Which makes me very, very cranky. Also, marathon training means that he runs at least 10 hours a week. I spend those 10 hours at home with Meg. A lot of times, I feel like he’s always abandoning us to go run. After I’d been crying for 20 minutes, though, I realized the “abandonment” wasn’t really the problem. Its that he has a hobby that he gets to spent 10 hours a week doing and he always gets to leave the house to do it.
I don’t have any “outside of the house” hobbies and I don’t want any. “Relaxing” to me means I don’t have to make myself presentable and leave the house. It usually means reading a book. Or doing Sudoku puzzles while watching TV. Or doing stuff on the computer. Preferably, I’d do all those things while wearing pajamas and lounging in bed. I don’t want to go to Panera and work on my computer. I want to stay home! But home is no longer a relaxing place. Even if I’m in the bedroom and Thomas is watching Meg somewhere else, I can hear them. I can hear tantrums. Sometimes he’ll ask me to watch her for 5 minutes while he does something. Which is fine. 5 minutes is no big deal, but it means I never actually get AWAY.
Also, every last inch of this place gets destroyed by an inquisitive 15 month old on a regular basis. To relax, Thomas likes to run outside. Outside is the same as its always been. I like to relax inside a clean house. That doesn’t happen much. Even when I’m home alone (which I LOVE), I often find it hard to relax because the house is such a disaster. This is kind of weird, because I’ve always been a pretty bad housekeeper. I have a high tolerance for messes. But it turns out there is a huge difference between messes of my own making and messes made by someone else. Especially when I cleaned up that exact mess the day before and someone undid my work. I start to feel like the house is a hopeless mess.
Back when we lived in our apartment, before Meg, we would pretty much let things go during the week. Mail would sit, pots and pans wouldn’t get washed, etc. But most Saturdays we’d spend 2-3 hours cleaning and the place would be spotless. I had no trouble sitting amongst the mess on Friday night because I knew all it would take was a little work and everything would be better. I don’t feel that way anymore.
I can (and HAVE – twice in the past month) spend a whole day cleaning the house. All alone. (Meg was at her grandma’s). By the end of the day, things look pretty good. But then Meg and Thomas come home. Thomas makes dinner (don’t I have the best husband?), Meg gets to work dragging all the toys out of her room, and I fight a losing battle to keep the toys in her room. By the end of the night, the kitchen counter is covered with dishes and the floor is covered with toys and Meg’s dinner. A mere three hours after I finished spending a whole day cleaning, the house is once again a disaster.
I hate it when magazines (or people) say “to keep a tidy house, spend 15 minutes picking toys up after the kids go to bed!” Yeah right! Most nights after Meg goes to bed, Thomas and I BOTH spend an HOUR picking up toys, putting away leftover food, washing the dishes/bottles, unpacking the diaper bag/lunch bags, repacking the diaper bag/lunch bags, and on and on. Sometimes the house looks noticeably better. Sometimes it doesn’t even make a dent. And it never gets the house as clean as we want it. If we concentrate on one room (usually the kitchen), we can get that room clean. But there’s no way we’ll get the whole house clean. Plus, even if the house looks clean, every single low cupboard and drawer in the house is a big huge jumble of unorganized things, because (thankfully) Meg often puts everything back in the cupboard/drawer after she empties it. She just doesn’t put it back the way she found it.
Now, as I said, I do have a high tolerance for messiness. So I can live with my messy house for awhile. But eventually the mess gets to me. It becomes too much for me to handle. And since I prefer to relax at home, eventually I’m so bothered by the mess I can’t relax at all.
I honestly don’t know what to do about this. We do try to pick up every night. We do spend a lot of Saturday cleaning the house. We can’t hire a cleaning lady, because there’s STUFF everywhere and I hear cleaning ladies only CLEAN, they don’t pick up and they can’t clean if things aren’t picked up. (Not to mention we can’t afford it.) I try to get rid of stuff, but our biggest problem is the stuff we use all the time being used then not put back. What do I do???
Thomas told me I have to go to a movie this afternoon. And while I’m at the movie, he and Meg will clean. Hopefully that will help a lot. It’ll probably at least get me to the point where I can stand the house for another couple weeks before I fall apart again. After that, who knows?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Seven Quick Takes
1. Yesterday, Meg and I both got our flu shots! Its all thanks to A’Dell (and twitter) – Meg had her 15 month checkup yesterday and flu shots hadn’t even crossed my mind. We were sitting in the room waiting for the doctor (always takes at least a half an hour) and A’Dell tweeted her daughter was getting a flu shot the next day. So when the doctor came, I asked if Meg could get one and he said sure! After the appointment, we went to Target and they had flu shots, too, so I got one. It was really nice to get them done without having to put forth much effort. I would have been really ticked if we’d gone to Target and been bombarded with flu shot advertising right after Meg had been at the doctor and I hadn’t even asked if she could get one. Target doesn’t do shots for kids that young, do they? Even if they do, I’m glad we got it at the doctor’s office.
2. Does your doctor’s office have developmental questionnaires like this?
I love them, because the doctor only keeps the summary (scoring) page, so we get to take the rest of the questionnaire home and I can keep it as a really easy way to have a record of what she can and cannot do at each age. I’m not likely to sit down and make a list of what she can do and I definitely wouldn’t think of everything on their list. I don’t know if we’ll ever look at them again, but they’re (unfortunately) as close to a baby book as she’s going to get, so at least its something!
3. Meg has started imitating everything we do. Its usually cute, but sometimes annoying. If I’m writing (like when I was filling in the questionnaire at the doctor’s office), she whines until she can write, too. At the doctor’s, I didn’t have anything else for her to write on, so she got quite upset. Once I was done, she scribbled all over the questionnaire (the part we got to keep - as you can see in the picture). She also wrote on her stomach, since she was undressed for the exam. I felt like a great mother when the doctor came in and saw scribbles all over her belly. What else are we going to do while waiting upwards of a half hour? I bring books and snacks, but they only last so long…
4. Meg has never been afraid of thunder (that I’ve noticed), but today we had the windows open and it started raining. There was a huge, loud clap of thunder and it really scared her. Now she bursts into tears every time it thunders, even if its quiet. I tried to help by showing her the kitty wasn’t afraid of the thunder. It sort of worked, because the cat hates little kids (all kids), so she runs away when she sees Meg coming. I held the kitty and let Meg pet her. Meg was so excited to be petting the cat, she didn’t notice the thunder at all. Of course, the second I let the cat go, she was scared again. Oh well.
5. So then we moved on to another distraction – the vacuum. I don’t know why she doesn’t like loud thunder, because she loves the loud vacuum. Too much. She likes to play “the vacuum is chasing me.” She darts in front of the vacuum while I’m using it, waits until it gets really close, then runs away. The closer her feet are to the vacuum, the more fun the game is (and the more terrifying it is for me – what if I actually run over her toes?) I guess its good she’s not afraid of the vacuum, but now I kind of am. I don’t like to vacuum when she’s around. It did work, though. She was too focused on her game to be scared of the thunder.
6. I have a hard time taking a shower when I’m home alone with Meg, because she loves water. She stands outside the shower screaming (if she could talk, she’d be saying “let me in!”) So a few months ago, I started having her get in with me whenever I wanted to take a shower. It works great. Its so much easier than giving her a bath and she gets to be in there longer. Since we’ve drilled it into her that you never stand in the bathtub, she mostly stays sitting, too. But now that she’s copying everything I do, she likes to stand up and shower, just like me. I know at some point she’s going to fall and conk her head, but I have a hard time convincing her she needs to sit when mommy is standing. So I spend most of the shower telling her to sit down. She sits when I tell her, then stands up again right away. Its driving me crazy.
7. Thomas is running a half marathon tomorrow, in a town about two hours away. My mother-in-law is coming to stay with Meg and Andrew and I are going to stay in a hotel close to the race. We’ll have about 20 kid-free hours! The only bummer is that I still have to get up before the crack of dawn, like I do EVERY SATURDAY, so we can go to the race. I’m not happy about this. But I am excited for time alone with my husband, even if most of it will be in the car or sleeping.
2. Does your doctor’s office have developmental questionnaires like this?
3. Meg has started imitating everything we do. Its usually cute, but sometimes annoying. If I’m writing (like when I was filling in the questionnaire at the doctor’s office), she whines until she can write, too. At the doctor’s, I didn’t have anything else for her to write on, so she got quite upset. Once I was done, she scribbled all over the questionnaire (the part we got to keep - as you can see in the picture). She also wrote on her stomach, since she was undressed for the exam. I felt like a great mother when the doctor came in and saw scribbles all over her belly. What else are we going to do while waiting upwards of a half hour? I bring books and snacks, but they only last so long…
4. Meg has never been afraid of thunder (that I’ve noticed), but today we had the windows open and it started raining. There was a huge, loud clap of thunder and it really scared her. Now she bursts into tears every time it thunders, even if its quiet. I tried to help by showing her the kitty wasn’t afraid of the thunder. It sort of worked, because the cat hates little kids (all kids), so she runs away when she sees Meg coming. I held the kitty and let Meg pet her. Meg was so excited to be petting the cat, she didn’t notice the thunder at all. Of course, the second I let the cat go, she was scared again. Oh well.
5. So then we moved on to another distraction – the vacuum. I don’t know why she doesn’t like loud thunder, because she loves the loud vacuum. Too much. She likes to play “the vacuum is chasing me.” She darts in front of the vacuum while I’m using it, waits until it gets really close, then runs away. The closer her feet are to the vacuum, the more fun the game is (and the more terrifying it is for me – what if I actually run over her toes?) I guess its good she’s not afraid of the vacuum, but now I kind of am. I don’t like to vacuum when she’s around. It did work, though. She was too focused on her game to be scared of the thunder.
6. I have a hard time taking a shower when I’m home alone with Meg, because she loves water. She stands outside the shower screaming (if she could talk, she’d be saying “let me in!”) So a few months ago, I started having her get in with me whenever I wanted to take a shower. It works great. Its so much easier than giving her a bath and she gets to be in there longer. Since we’ve drilled it into her that you never stand in the bathtub, she mostly stays sitting, too. But now that she’s copying everything I do, she likes to stand up and shower, just like me. I know at some point she’s going to fall and conk her head, but I have a hard time convincing her she needs to sit when mommy is standing. So I spend most of the shower telling her to sit down. She sits when I tell her, then stands up again right away. Its driving me crazy.
7. Thomas is running a half marathon tomorrow, in a town about two hours away. My mother-in-law is coming to stay with Meg and Andrew and I are going to stay in a hotel close to the race. We’ll have about 20 kid-free hours! The only bummer is that I still have to get up before the crack of dawn, like I do EVERY SATURDAY, so we can go to the race. I’m not happy about this. But I am excited for time alone with my husband, even if most of it will be in the car or sleeping.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Getting out and about with a baby
Thursday night was Iowa State’s football season opener. We went over to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the first half with some friends, then came home to put Meg to bed (an hour late). It was fun and I’m glad we went. Our friends called us at six to invite us to come watch the game and we were there by seven. They're always remarking how impressed she is that we still come to things even though we have a kid. Everyone knows people who have a baby and never see their childless friends again. We’ve seen this group of friends six times this summer. I think part of the reason they comment on it is that it gives them hope – you can have a baby without your life being over. They think its great we don’t sit at home every night and didn’t drop our childless friends.
However, the six times we saw these friends this summer are the only times we saw friends this summer. The reason we drop everything and come over when they call to say they’re getting together is because we spend the majority of our time at home and generally jump at the chance to get out. Don't get me wrong - we spend the majority of our time at home because I like staying in. This is the reason why I've never had many friends. I do like going out occasionally, but not often, so if I have a lot of friends, who all want to hang out, I end up ignoring some of them or constantly whining to them I don't have any free nights to chill at home. I do better with a small group of friends and a lot of alone time. I'm a homebody. But these friends are pretty much our only chance to get out, so we either take the opportunity when its available or spend the next week wishing we had.
Also, I think the main reason we can be flexible is because Meg is a flexible baby. If we’re hanging out at someone’s house, we often bring Meg. At 8, we put her to bed in the infant seat in someone’s bedroom and she sleeps there until its time to go home. Our friends love this because, again, it shows her you don’t always have to either get a babysitter or leave the gathering at 7 pm to hurry home and put the baby to bed. But the only reason we don’t have to rush home is because Meg will sleep in the infant seat in an unfamiliar room. She’s the flexible one, we’re just lucky. And, again, its not like we’re doing this every weekend – we’ve only done it a few times.
I guess I just think they give us too much credit – they compliment us on our laid-back parenting style and our willingness to go hang out, but, actually, we don't go out much and its our baby who's laid back. I do like the compliments, though...
However, the six times we saw these friends this summer are the only times we saw friends this summer. The reason we drop everything and come over when they call to say they’re getting together is because we spend the majority of our time at home and generally jump at the chance to get out. Don't get me wrong - we spend the majority of our time at home because I like staying in. This is the reason why I've never had many friends. I do like going out occasionally, but not often, so if I have a lot of friends, who all want to hang out, I end up ignoring some of them or constantly whining to them I don't have any free nights to chill at home. I do better with a small group of friends and a lot of alone time. I'm a homebody. But these friends are pretty much our only chance to get out, so we either take the opportunity when its available or spend the next week wishing we had.
Also, I think the main reason we can be flexible is because Meg is a flexible baby. If we’re hanging out at someone’s house, we often bring Meg. At 8, we put her to bed in the infant seat in someone’s bedroom and she sleeps there until its time to go home. Our friends love this because, again, it shows her you don’t always have to either get a babysitter or leave the gathering at 7 pm to hurry home and put the baby to bed. But the only reason we don’t have to rush home is because Meg will sleep in the infant seat in an unfamiliar room. She’s the flexible one, we’re just lucky. And, again, its not like we’re doing this every weekend – we’ve only done it a few times.
I guess I just think they give us too much credit – they compliment us on our laid-back parenting style and our willingness to go hang out, but, actually, we don't go out much and its our baby who's laid back. I do like the compliments, though...
Friday, September 3, 2010
Seven Quick Takes
1. Iowa State’s season football opener was last night and we are having the most PERFECT football weather. Right now its 69 degrees and I couldn’t be happier. To go to the game last night, you’d have had to wear a sweatshirt, which made me really wish I could go. I usually have no desire to go the first few games of the season, since its often still really hot.
2. Since its so nice out, I have every window in the house open, which is GREAT, because our house basically smells of moldy food, sweaty workout clothes, and toddler puke. I’m enjoying airing it out.
3. Yesterday, Meg again refused to take a nap, so I decided I’d had enough of this nap refusal and instituted cry-it-out naptime. It worked perfectly. Yesterday, she cried for an hour (with me going in there every 10 minutes), but today she only fussed quietly for 10 minutes. I didn’t even have to go in there!! Plus, after taking a good nap yesterday, she slept better than she has in a LONG time last night. She didn’t get up until NINE A.M.
4. On Sunday, our whole family is going to a hibachi place for my birthday and I’m really excited. I love hibachi and we almost never go.
5. Thomas has been bugging me for weeks asking what I want for my birthday and I seriously can’t think of anything. At all. The best I’ve come up with is a shopping trip, but I just bought a bunch of new clothes two weeks ago (with birthday money from last year that I found while cleaning). Anyone know of some cuty Etsy stuff? I am one of those rare women who hate online browsing/shopping.
6. Seriously, between the awesome weather, ISU winning last night, sleeping in until 9, the return of naptime, and my birthday tomorrow, I’m the happiest person EVER.
7. And now Meg’s up after only a 30 minute nap. But that’s OK! Nothing is going to ruin my good mood!
2. Since its so nice out, I have every window in the house open, which is GREAT, because our house basically smells of moldy food, sweaty workout clothes, and toddler puke. I’m enjoying airing it out.
3. Yesterday, Meg again refused to take a nap, so I decided I’d had enough of this nap refusal and instituted cry-it-out naptime. It worked perfectly. Yesterday, she cried for an hour (with me going in there every 10 minutes), but today she only fussed quietly for 10 minutes. I didn’t even have to go in there!! Plus, after taking a good nap yesterday, she slept better than she has in a LONG time last night. She didn’t get up until NINE A.M.
4. On Sunday, our whole family is going to a hibachi place for my birthday and I’m really excited. I love hibachi and we almost never go.
5. Thomas has been bugging me for weeks asking what I want for my birthday and I seriously can’t think of anything. At all. The best I’ve come up with is a shopping trip, but I just bought a bunch of new clothes two weeks ago (with birthday money from last year that I found while cleaning). Anyone know of some cuty Etsy stuff? I am one of those rare women who hate online browsing/shopping.
6. Seriously, between the awesome weather, ISU winning last night, sleeping in until 9, the return of naptime, and my birthday tomorrow, I’m the happiest person EVER.
7. And now Meg’s up after only a 30 minute nap. But that’s OK! Nothing is going to ruin my good mood!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Partial memories
I’ve decided the biggest reason I don’t remember Meg’s first year as well as other years is that most of my experiences that year heavily involved emotions. You can’t ever recreate the emotion, so its hard to remember what it was like. Before having Meg, most of the stuff we did wasn’t big emotional stuff. I remember several vacations very well. They were a lot of fun, but not incredibly moving experiences. I remember the workout classes I used to take. I remember movies we went to, places we ate, and going to the farmer’s market on Saturday mornings. All good things, but not life-changing. Having a baby is life-changing and incredibly emotional – good and bad.
There was one point when Meg was about 6 weeks old, I think, and I thought “This is it. I’m not going to make it. I’m going to die of exhaustion right now. Its so sad I won’t live to see her sleep through the night.” I remember a lot about that moment. I remember I was standing in the church hallway (in maternity clothes), holding the infant seat, trying to stay awake, and kind of dreading an hour of church in which I’d have to act like I could still comprehend what the pastor was saying and would probably have to breastfeed partway through the service while trying not to flash my family. So I “remember” the moment, but I don’t remember the emotion. It makes the memory seem flat and one-dimensional instead of a full memory. There’s something missing when I try to remember it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I don’t remember what it was like to not get more than 3 hours of consecutive sleep for six weeks straight. But I also don’t really, fully remember what it was like to hold my baby for the first time or see her crawl or walk for the first time. I can describe what it felt like, but, again, it feels flat, like a description in a book. I also have fewer memories overall, probably because I was so sleep-deprived. I only remember the times of intense emotion (like, I'm going to DIE if I don't get some sleep), instead of the everyday things I remember from other years. And while I can remember those emotional experiences, the emotion itself is gone, so the memory is “fuzzy.” A lot of the time after she was born was defined by emotion, so without the emotion there’s not much left.
So, like I wrote about yesterday, I thought I’d be able to remember what it felt like to rock an itty-bitty baby of my own and miss that feeling enough to desperately want another one. But I don’t. I do want another one, but I want a baby in the same abstract way I did when I wanted Meg. I thought it would be different, having been through it and knowing what it felt like. But its not, because I don't remember what it felt like. Maybe its because the “next baby” is purely theoretical at this point. I suppose when we do have another baby, the feelings will all come back to me. But as soon as that child grows out the baby stage, I'll forget again.
There was one point when Meg was about 6 weeks old, I think, and I thought “This is it. I’m not going to make it. I’m going to die of exhaustion right now. Its so sad I won’t live to see her sleep through the night.” I remember a lot about that moment. I remember I was standing in the church hallway (in maternity clothes), holding the infant seat, trying to stay awake, and kind of dreading an hour of church in which I’d have to act like I could still comprehend what the pastor was saying and would probably have to breastfeed partway through the service while trying not to flash my family. So I “remember” the moment, but I don’t remember the emotion. It makes the memory seem flat and one-dimensional instead of a full memory. There’s something missing when I try to remember it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I don’t remember what it was like to not get more than 3 hours of consecutive sleep for six weeks straight. But I also don’t really, fully remember what it was like to hold my baby for the first time or see her crawl or walk for the first time. I can describe what it felt like, but, again, it feels flat, like a description in a book. I also have fewer memories overall, probably because I was so sleep-deprived. I only remember the times of intense emotion (like, I'm going to DIE if I don't get some sleep), instead of the everyday things I remember from other years. And while I can remember those emotional experiences, the emotion itself is gone, so the memory is “fuzzy.” A lot of the time after she was born was defined by emotion, so without the emotion there’s not much left.
So, like I wrote about yesterday, I thought I’d be able to remember what it felt like to rock an itty-bitty baby of my own and miss that feeling enough to desperately want another one. But I don’t. I do want another one, but I want a baby in the same abstract way I did when I wanted Meg. I thought it would be different, having been through it and knowing what it felt like. But its not, because I don't remember what it felt like. Maybe its because the “next baby” is purely theoretical at this point. I suppose when we do have another baby, the feelings will all come back to me. But as soon as that child grows out the baby stage, I'll forget again.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
You mean I had a baby? When?
A couple nights ago, Meg started crying at 11 p.m. so I went in and rocked her. As we rocked I thought about how sad I’d be if I never had another toddler to rock back to sleep. Its such a wonderful, perfect feeling. I don’t want it to end! And to never have another little tiny baby to hold and breastfeed and change itty-bitty diap….wait, I don’t remember any of that. Like, at all. I sat there trying to remember breastfeeding. I only stopped FOUR months ago, you’d think I could remember. But I honestly couldn’t. I knew how its done (more so than I did before I’d ever done it) but I couldn’t remember actually doing it. (Pumping, I unfortunately remember – but that was like torturing myself three times a day, so I guess it takes longer to forget. Plus, I only stopped pumping three months ago).
I think my main problem was that I’d been so sick and was still kind of out of it. I have a hard time remembering last week, so I guess it wasn’t surprising I didn’t remember last year. Now that its been a couple days, I’m finally starting to feel better and work has kicked my brain back into gear. I remember more now, but Meg’s entire life is rather hazy in my memory. Way fuzzier than the previous several years. I guess that’s what sleep deprivation does to you.
I know many people say the only reason people have multiple children is because they forget the pain of childbirth and the newborn phase (i.e. no sleep). I knew I’d eventually forget the pain, but I didn’t think I’d forget everything. (Actually, I can remember the pain better than anything else. How crappy is that?) At this point, my knowledge of childbirth and caring for a newborn seems theoretical. Like, of course I know what happens (who doesn’t?), but I’ve never been through it myself. It’s a very weird feeling. Maybe I’d better go watch the video Thomas made of Meg’s first year. I’ll see if anything rings a bell.
I think my main problem was that I’d been so sick and was still kind of out of it. I have a hard time remembering last week, so I guess it wasn’t surprising I didn’t remember last year. Now that its been a couple days, I’m finally starting to feel better and work has kicked my brain back into gear. I remember more now, but Meg’s entire life is rather hazy in my memory. Way fuzzier than the previous several years. I guess that’s what sleep deprivation does to you.
I know many people say the only reason people have multiple children is because they forget the pain of childbirth and the newborn phase (i.e. no sleep). I knew I’d eventually forget the pain, but I didn’t think I’d forget everything. (Actually, I can remember the pain better than anything else. How crappy is that?) At this point, my knowledge of childbirth and caring for a newborn seems theoretical. Like, of course I know what happens (who doesn’t?), but I’ve never been through it myself. It’s a very weird feeling. Maybe I’d better go watch the video Thomas made of Meg’s first year. I’ll see if anything rings a bell.
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