I don't like being a working parent. Monday through Wendesday we just try to get by. Thursday I work a half day, then Thursday afternoon and Friday I bust my butt running errands, doing laundry, washing dishes... There just aren't enough hours in the day. We're all cranky and exhausted and snapping at each other.
I don't like being in my home. The kitchen is always a disaster, there's laundry everywhere, and the toys are never picked up. I'm always either frantically rushing around trying to restore order, yelling at the kids for interrupting me while I'm cleaning, or sitting on the couch so paralyzed by the mess I don't even know where to start. And you know what the worst part is? I can't even calm my own baby. I realized for the past two weeks I've been trying to soothe him the way he used to like and it hasn't worked at all. I don't know if he doesn't like it because I'm not here to do it anymore or not, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is if I was here I'd know what the NEW way is.
I don't enjoy any of the things I used to. Laundry is one of my favorite things, but now it feels like a huge burden. I actually like loading and unloading the dishwasher (I know), but I don't anymore. I couldn't care less about my favorite TV shows coming back for the fall. I can't get into books. Even reading blogs feels like a joyless time suck.
What also pisses me off is people are going to read this and say 'postpartum depression' and that makes me want to SCREAM. I have no idea what role hormones play in this but I'm pretty certain if I quit my job it would go away. I was really, really happy on maternity leave, sleepless nights and all. Now I feel completely overwhelmed.
BUT, quitting my job scares the hell out of me, especially because I LIKE my job. I'm not miserable when I'm at work. I just don't have enough time for both work and home stuff and if I have to choose, I choose staying home over, for example, continuing to work and hiring a cleaning service. But what if I'd just have to get through an awful...what? Six months? Year? then everything would start working again? What if I give up a job I like when I don't really have to? I do WANT to, though. I'm just scared about the future. I can't think of anything scarier than going back to work after staying home for a few years. Right now I just feel stuck.